Tim Minchin – “Thank You God”

by Luke Muehlhauser on March 2, 2011 in Funny,Video

Lyrics

I have an apology to make. I’m afraid I’ve made a big mistake. I turned my face away from you, Lord.

I was too blind to see the light. I was too weak to feel Your might. I closed my eyes; I couldn’t see the truth, Lord.

But then like Saul on the Damascus road, you sent a messenger to me, and so…

I have had the truth revealed to me. Please forgive me all those things I said. I’ll no longer betray you, Lord. I will pray to you instead.

And I will say “Thank you, thank you, thank you God. Thank you, thank you, thank you God.”

Thank you God for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum.

I had no idea but it’s suddenly so clear now. I feel such a cynic. How could I have been so dumb?

Thank you for displaying how praying works: a particular prayer in a particular church. Thank you Sam for the chance to acknowledge this omnipotent opthamologist.

Thank you God for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum. I didn’t realize that it was so simple, but you’ve shown a great example of just how it can be done.

You only need to pray in a particular spot to a particular version of a particular god, and if you pull that off without a hitch, he will fix one eye of one middle-class white bitch.

I know in the past my outlook has been limited. I couldn’t see examples of where life had been definitive. But I can admit it when the evidence is clear, as clear as Sam’s mum’s new cornea.

That’s extremely clear! Extremely clear!

Thank you God for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum. I have to admit that in the past I have been skeptical but Sam described this miracle and I am overcome!

How fitting that the sighting of a sight-based intervention should open my eyes to this exciting new dimension. It’s like someone put an eye chart on the wall in front of me and the top five letters say: I C G O D.

Thank you, Sam, for showing how my point of view has been so flawed. I assumed there was no God at all but now I see that’s cynical. It’s simply that his interests aren’t particularly broad.

He’s largely undiverted by the starving masses, or the inequality between the various classes. He gives you strictly limited passes, redeemable for surgery or two-for-one glasses.

I feel so shocking for historically mocking. Your interests are clearly confined to the ocular. I bet given the chance, you’d eschew the divine and start a little business selling contacts online.

Fuck me Sam, what are the odds that of history’s endless parade of gods that the God you just happened to be taught to believe in is the actual one and he digs on healing, but the AIDS-ridden African nations, the victims of the plague or the flood-addled Asians, but healthy, privately-insured Australians with common and curable corneal degeneration?

This story of Sam’s has but a single explanation: a surgical God who digs on magic explanations. It couldn’t be mistaken attribution of causation, born of a coincidental temporal correlation, exacerbated by a general lack of education vis-a-vis physics in Sam’s parish congregation. And it couldn’t be that all these pious people are liars. It couldn’t be an artifact of confirmation bias, a product of groupthink, a mass delusion, an Emperor’s New Clothes-style fear of exclusion.

No, it’s more likely to be an all-powerful magician than the misdiagnosis of the initial condition, or one of many cases of spontaneous remission, or a record-keeping glitch by the local physician.

No, the only explanation for Sam’s mum’s seeing: they prayed to an all-knowing superbeing, to the omnipresent master of the universe, and he liked the sound of their muttered verse.

So for a bit of a change from his usual stunt of being a sexist, racist, murderous cunt, he popped down to Dandenong and just like that, used his powers to heal the cataracts of Sam’s mum – of Sam’s mum!

Thank you God for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum! I didn’t realize that it was such a simple thing. I feel such a dingaling, what ignorant scum!

Now I understand how prayer can work: a particular prayer in a particular church in a particular style with a particular stuff and a particular book for particular problems that aren’t particularly tough, and for particular people, preferably white, for particular senses, preferably sight – a particular prayer in a particular spot, to a particular version of a particular god.

And if you get that right, He just might take a break from giving babies malaria and pop down to your local area to fix the cataracts of your mum!

Hallelujah!

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Garren March 3, 2011 at 12:40 am

The spirit of Monty Python lives on!

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Zak March 3, 2011 at 1:11 am

Wowza! That is one helluva catchy song!

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Beelzebub March 3, 2011 at 2:08 am

Epic win.

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Rick M March 3, 2011 at 4:27 am

Have you noticed that since it has become de rigueur for American politians to end each speech with, “… and, God bless America”, that this country has gone in the crapper?

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Bill Maher March 3, 2011 at 6:37 am

I am surprised some douchebag who can’t take a joke isn’t posting something about holes in Michins ontology or some bullshit.

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Garren March 3, 2011 at 9:20 am

Here you go, Bill:

Mr. Minchin is obviously ignorant of how God operates in the world. According to Daniel 10:12-14, God responds to prayers by sending angels. These angels can be delayed by bad angels. Unanswered prayers may just be the result of bad angels not letting God’s angels through.

It makes perfect sense that in wicked nations God would be more able to answer trivial prayers because the bad angels — though strong in the geographical area — don’t see minor miracles as a threat worth the effort of interrupting.

Minchin is just another skeptic who doesn’t take the time to understand religion before criticizing it.

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Evan March 3, 2011 at 9:25 am

Great song, but I was bothered by his poor understanding of ophthalmology. Cataracts are a disorder of the lens and he keeps mentioning the cornea.

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JMauldin March 3, 2011 at 10:57 am

I saw him at Largo a few months ago – easily one of the best pure shows I’ve seen in a while.

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Andrew @EC March 3, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Garren: I hereby award you one Internet

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Sue March 4, 2011 at 12:20 am

Silly me…..i should have told my mum…….she paid $4,000 for each eye to be done. She could have saved herself $8,000 and gone to church with Sam’s mum!

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Ajay March 5, 2011 at 10:26 pm

It is logically possible that cataracts are caused by invisible demons. Tell me that’s not logically possible.

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R.G.Oakenfull March 7, 2011 at 4:32 am

Here you go, Bill:Mr. Minchin is obviously ignorant of how God operates in the world. According to Daniel 10:12-14, God responds to prayers by sending angels. These angels can be delayed by bad angels. Unanswered prayers may just be the result of bad angels not letting God’s angels through.It makes perfect sense that in wicked nations God would be more able to answer trivial prayers because the bad angels — though strong in the geographical area — don’t see minor miracles as a threat worth the effort of interrupting.Minchin is just another skeptic who doesn’t take the time to understand religion before criticizing it.  

Are you saying that God has no control over the bad angels? So he is not omnipotent. after all

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John March 7, 2011 at 6:27 pm

Great song, but I was bothered by his poor understanding of ophthalmology. Cataracts are a disorder of the lens and he keeps mentioning the cornea.  

I think he said cornea because it flowed better than lens. That wouldn’t have been the easiest song to put together.

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Jim March 15, 2011 at 8:06 am

Here you go, Bill:Mr. Minchin is obviously ignorant of how God operates in the world. According to Daniel 10:12-14, God responds to prayers by sending angels.   

According to who? So you’re seriously telling me that you take the word of some guy who may, or may not have lived 2000 years ago, over common bloody sense?

You’re a moron. If there was a god I would pray that you never breed.

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Sönrisas March 26, 2011 at 3:16 pm

Here you go, Bill:

Mr. Minchin is obviously ignorant of how God operates in the world. According to Daniel 10:12-14, God responds to prayers by sending angels. These angels can be delayed by bad angels. Unanswered prayers may just be the result of bad angels not letting God’s angels through.

It makes perfect sense that in wicked nations God would be more able to answer trivial prayers because the bad angels — though strong in the geographical area — don’t see minor miracles as a threat worth the effort of interrupting.

Minchin is just another skeptic who doesn’t take the time to understand religion before criticizing it.

Oh fuck me. I hope this is irony too.

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Morgan April 2, 2011 at 4:33 am

Garren, let this be a lesson to you (http://www.xkcd.com/301/, title text):

“Fun game: Try to post a YouTube comment that is so stupid that people realise you must be joking. Hint: this is impossible.”

You may substitute YouTube with any website ever.

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Sharon April 9, 2011 at 12:55 am

Very funny Garren.

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Devil's Child May 4, 2011 at 12:34 am

Here you go, Bill:Mr. Minchin is obviously ignorant of how God operates in the world. According to Daniel 10:12-14, God responds to prayers by sending angels. These angels can be delayed by bad angels. Unanswered prayers may just be the result of bad angels not letting God’s angels through.It makes perfect sense that in wicked nations God would be more able to answer trivial prayers because the bad angels — though strong in the geographical area — don’t see minor miracles as a threat worth the effort of interrupting.Minchin is just another skeptic who doesn’t take the time to understand religion before criticizing it.

I wrote something longer before but hen I deleted it accidently so I won’t say much now. Garren, listen to this: “GOD” ISN’T REAL! (if you’re wondering yes i am an athiest) “God” was made up over 2000 years ago and probably by some mentaly ill person who wasn’t in their right minds. If you want to have a nice REAL life I suggest you give up the god nonsence and do something useful with your life. And btw TIM MINCHIN is AWESOME! Never think otherwise! And if you were the same person who wrote the thing about monty python then at least something is right with you.

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Kerry May 13, 2011 at 3:51 pm

I wrote something longer before but hen I deleted it accidently so I won’t say much now.Garren, listen to this:“GOD” ISN’T REAL! (if you’re wondering yes i am an athiest)“God” was made up over 2000 years ago and probably by some mentaly ill person who wasn’t in their right minds.If you want to have a nice REAL life I suggest you give up the god nonsence and do something useful with your life.And btw TIM MINCHIN is AWESOME!Never think otherwise!And if you were the same person who wrote the thing about monty python then at least something is right with you.

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Sean July 28, 2011 at 8:54 am

Garren, not sure if your post was meant to be a joke but if not consider the following. I have in the past tried to have intellectual debates with people of religion but have found that most are so brain washed that they discard reason and logic and therefore refuse to see the blinding truth when laid out in front of them. I guess it’s as futile as trying to convince a deranged person that believes fairies live at the bottom of their garden that there’s no such thing as fairies.

I now find dealing with people of religion much easier. I simply shake my head in disbelief at their moronic views and ask them never to vote

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David August 7, 2011 at 4:09 pm

Most of our concerns about life are based on our fear of death – what’s the point of life anyway if we all end up the same? And the multitude of opinions flourish because no one can tell us about what happens after death.

That is not true.

I suggest that everyone who reads this is interested to know what happens after death; well, if you want to form your opinion around some facts (all ‘facts’ are based preferably on our own experiences and secondarily on other people’s experiences) then read http://www.nderf.org and listen to people who have been there.

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Jay October 15, 2011 at 8:07 am

OK I thought what Garren wrote was funny as hell. I was sure he was kidding but after what you’ve all said I’m not so sure. He’s kidding right? tell me he’s kidding.

Sod It, I believe in you Garren, I know you were kidding, you’re on our side right? You’re taking the p*ss with goody angels and baddy angels right?

Oh Christ please tell me you’re taking the piss! Oops I said Christ….my bad :-S

TIM IS A LYRICAL GOD!!

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NateHevens November 13, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Poe’s Law in affect (or is Effect?)!

Here you go, Bill:

Mr. Minchin is obviously ignorant of how God operates in the world. According to Daniel 10:12-14, God responds to prayers by sending angels. These angels can be delayed by bad angels. Unanswered prayers may just be the result of bad angels not letting God’s angels through.

It makes perfect sense that in wicked nations God would be more able to answer trivial prayers because the bad angels — though strong in the geographical area — don’t see minor miracles as a threat worth the effort of interrupting.

Minchin is just another skeptic who doesn’t take the time to understand religion before criticizing it.

Yeah. It’s a joke. Come on, guys. It’s a good Poe, but not *that* good. He was kidding.

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Steven January 8, 2012 at 7:13 am

According to who? So you’re seriously telling me that you take the word of some guy who may, or may not have lived 2000 years ago, over common bloody sense?

You’re a moron. If there was a god I would pray that you never breed.

Jim, I’m afraid that it’s you who is the moron, for two reasons: i) Garren was obviously being satirical and ii) there was absolutely no reason to be offensive.

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