Oh hai. In teh beginnin Ceiling Cat maded teh skiez An da Urfs, but he did not eated dem.
So liek teh Ceiling Kitteh lieks teh ppl lots and he sez ‘Oh hai I givez u me only kitteh and ifs u beleeves him u wont evr diez no moar, k?’
Ceiling Cat iz mai sheprd (which is funni if u knowz teh joek about herdin catz LOL.)
He givz me evrithin I need.
U no maek sexxes wit other gurlz or menz than ur wief (so no awsum treesum alowed!).
An Ceiling Cat drops big stones on dem as dey runz frum Izrayl to Azekah and deys deadkittys an even moar dies from haylestonez den frum Izrayl kitty swords, awesum.
U will eatz ur own kitties. I iz gonna PWN ur high places, PWN ur incents altars, and throw PWNED dead bodies on ur idols. I iz gonna abhor u.
But Onan knew that the kittenz would not be hiz (bcz thatz how Jewish law workt LOL) so he wuz all “DO NOT WANT” n soz he pulld out n got man juice on teh floorz.
Buts she just maks teh notty danse mors and mores becuz is how she useded to play as chiled. An she wuz rly gudz at it.20 She liekd teh guys with teh big dixxxes… teh RLY big uns, like donkeys LOL… and massiv cumbuckits like horse!
If a gai put him sexxes in a ladee that haz no sexxes beefo, n teh ladee duznt want no sexxes in her n no gai haz chosn her fo putin sexxes in latr, Then the gai mus pai the ladeez dadz fiffy coin uv silfur, and teh ladee haz to staye n b himz wyf, wtf? No divors fo u fo evah.
There are also some appendixes, including arguments for and against God (aka Ceiling Cat):
Teh howse is jus riet for us kittehs. Is not too cowd or too hot. Is jus niec an warm an cuddlee. Teh hoomins gif us fud wen we ask an scrach us wen we mew qyoot. We gets to slepe anywhar an teh hoomins even gif us warm piels of cleen close to lay on. How awesoem!
If Ceiling Cat dint ecksist how cud all of dis happun? If teh howse wus too cowd we wud be ded kittehs wif ice! If teh howse wus too hot we wud be ded kittehs wif crispees! If hoomins not der to feed us we wud be reely skinneh and ded kittehs. If Ceiling Cat dint maek hoomins for us sleepin anywhar wud not be fun! An no cleen close to slepe on!
Evewythin in howse is riet for kitteh and dat is how we kno Ceiling Cat is reel, srsly.